After a paternity test revealed that Tristan Thompson is the father of a third child, he took to Instagram stories to publish a very public apology to his ex, Khloe Kardashian. At first, I just cringed when I saw it. It’s mortifying for him, the mother of the child, and my girl, Khloe. But then, I started laughing.
We all know that the best way to win a break up is to get super hot and successful and totally ignore the ex. While I am really hot and successful, I have a really hard time not just ignoring exes, but not texting them first. Any time I have more than two drinks I know that I will wake up the next morning and have to delete several text threads from my phone before I have the capacity to think critically about how embarrassing the text was.
While I admire Tristan for making the one time I liked a guy’s year old Venmo transaction seem like a very chill move, this is actually the perfect time for me to explain what I mean when I say a guy is a “Weird Guy” (TM).
My idol, Ellie Schnitt, once said that the meanest thing you can say about a guy is that he is Weird and I totally agree. If someone I know says a guy was a dick or that he ghosted someone or that he only has one pillow, I’m going to take that as a challenge (within girl code, ofc). However, when I hear that a guy is Weird, I am backing off immediately.
So, what makes a guy a Weird Guy?
He can’t take a hint. Whether we are talking about platonic friendships, someone who constantly hits on you when you see them out or at a pregame, or in a professional setting. If he lacks the ability to understand and act on the information that you are not interested in whichever type of relationship he is in, he’s a weirdo.
He asks for your Snapchat first. This mostly goes for guys who are 20 or older. How are you, as an adult man, asking for my Snapchat? What are you hiding? Who are you hiding it from? The minute a man sends a Snapchat chat message or a streak, it’s immediately done. This is one of my biggest icks.
He’s pro-life. What? This is the BIGGEST red flag. Especially if you’re sleeping with him and he is sketchy about condom usage. This attitude screams that guy a. has no conception of the consequences of his actions and b. does not view women as real human beings. Goodbye. Next.
He’s not vaccinated. Not to get all political, but when men think they’re smarter than scientists, you immediately know that they’re actually very stupid. Listen, we know that you’re scared of needles, you know what I’m scared of? You transmitting me any number of diseases that could easily be avoided.
Too Fast, Too Serious. Also known as love bombing. Oh, it’s our third date and you’re telling me all about how you want our kids to go to private school? You’re falling in love with me after we got drinks twice at a shitty dive bar on Wells Street? What’s your problem? Anxious attachment and maladaptive day dreaming are only hot when I do it or when you keep it to yourself. Sorry!
He can pronounce Glossier. I fucking love Glossier, I’d love them to sponsor me more than anything ever. However, if he can pronounce it, when I barely can, he’s trying too hard to know about what women like. I promise that almost none of the Glossier bitches pronounce the brand correctly 7/10 times. You’re doing too much.
More than 60% of his exes are “crazy.” No. Two options here, first, they’re not actually crazy and he’s super overdramatic, gross. Alternatively, if they really are, he drove them crazy. Bitches don’t like year-old Venmo transactions without being driven to that place. What is he doing?
And last but not least, your gut. If you feel like a guy is a Weird guy, then you’re right. In all seriousness, women need to take their safety seriously and if your gut is telling you that someone has a bad vibe, it’s right. I don’t care.
Weird Guys (TM) are different from fuckboys and are different from weird people. I’m weird, some of my favorite exes are weird, some of my best friends are weird. It’s cool to be quirky and unique and have interests that you care about. It’s a huge red flag, however, to be a Weird Guy (TM).