Pam and Jim. Eleanor and Chidi. Devi and Ben. Jess and Nick. Seth and Summer.
What do all of those iconic pairings have in common? A convoluted, off-and-on, start and stop romance. It’s incredibly rare for a main character of a TV show, movie, or book to have a straight forward love story. I mean, look at any piece of media, there’s often clear toxicity in iconic couples (hello, Big and Carrie!!).
When I moved to Chicago, like I’ve written before, I wanted to start romanticizing and honoring (thank you Eli Rallo) my life. I wanted to put myself in the drivers seat, to cast myself as the main character. Unfortunately, and I know better than this, I chose to cast myself as the main character in a rom com, not a coming of age tale (because at least those characters experience some growth).
After a few months of questionable behavior I took a couple months off dating to reflect and refocus. And mostly, to ask myself why my approach to dating was making me so unhappy. Why did I feel so much pressure to go on these dates and meet people?
Until around November, I was not at all ready to move on from my previous relationship. I knew I wasn’t able to give my full attention to a new partner. I wanted to move on, find a distraction, and mostly, get over what was a truly great relationship. I never was going on dates for content - all though I joke about it a lot - I think that I just was feeling SO much pressure to completely forget my ex, which is something I didn’t want to do and something I honestly do not think is healthy. (For more on this, please check out my friend Catherine’s TikTok, she’s super smart and has lots of interesting takes on it!)
One of the last people I dated before I decided to take a break from meeting new people happened to become a TikTok sensation after making a really funny video about dating that gave me a taste of my own medicine. All in all, I was really thankful for this experience, because I think that’s what made me take stock in the motivations driving my actions.
Without further ado, here is the interview I did with the guy who made me realize I needed to find a new, and healthier approach to dating.
Reagan: So, OK, first question both of us can answer, obviously, but like, how did we meet?
Mystery Man: We met on Hinge.
Reagan: I liked you first.
Mystery Man: Yeah, you messaged me and I think we went to dinner like the day after or two days after you messaged me.
Reagan: Yeah, around that time. It was, I think it… was that Yom Kippur or something?
Mystery Man: Yeah, right around that. I think I think we went on Yom Kippur.
Reagan: Yeah, because I broke fast on our date.
Mystery Man: We both did. That was our first date.
Reagan: That was like in early September. So we go on our first date. Obviously, though unbeknownst to me, you knew some information about me before our date, which isn’t a surprise. But given that, before the date, what were your impressions of me?
Mystery Man: Well, I had, well, my my roommate's girlfriend is the one who recognized you and she loved your TikToks. I had not seen your TikToks until she showed me that. I watched a lot of them, but I didn't. Unlike most of the online community, I understood what satire was and I thought it was funny. Like, I didn't think it was never any negative intentions. I just my only impression was, Oh, she's a TikToker, and she makes funny videos.
Reagan: Thank you. When you made your video in response, was your intention, did you think that was going to go viral or not at all?
Mystery Man: No, I had like twelve followers. It was literally just -
Reagan: So you really just had no plan for that.
Mystery Man: It's like, no. No, not at all. I mean, that's why even like after I did [go viral] I think I posted two videos and it's not like, my intent was, to become a TikToker, right? No, I literally was doing it for my friends. I brought up the idea to my roommates and [his roommate's girlfriend] and I was like, This could be funny. So I posted it and I sent it just to my friends. I was like, “look, I made a TikTok.” And then I didn't check my phone, since I posted it, like four minutes before I walked into that bar. And you were a little late. So I sent it to some of my friends like, oh, this is funny. And that I didn't check my phone again for like two hours. Or so, we’re sitting at that restaurant then I saw [it went viral] I was like, oh my God, what's going on?
Reagan: So in the video you mentioned that you weren't going to say anything to me about it and see if I picked up on it. When during the date did you decide that you were going to tell me?
Mystery Man: When I actually wanted to see you again, like when I when it actually went well.
Reagan: OK, so what about the first date made you want to see me again?
Mystery Man: We had I thought we just got along really well, I think had similar types of humor. We didn't run out of things to talk about and we're both pretty social, but like it wasn't like a fight, like fighting for conversation. I liked hanging out with you.
Reagan: So after that we go on a second date. A few days later, you go out of town like what were your impressions?
Mystery Man: I went out to California. I didn't really have any intentions or any expectations of like, it's going to go forward. And I was kind of playing it by ear, but I don't know. We got along still every time I was with you. I had fun.
Reagan: So from my perception after the second date, you were like, you were like a little bit like withdrawing from like how we had been texting, which is something that I felt specifically attuned to. Was that an intentional decision? Was that a reason behind that decision? Granted, like you were out of town, but.
Mystery Man: No, there was not - it wasn’t intentional. I know I was busy and I was excited to spend time with my friends I hadn't seen, my brother and his friends in California. So if I was distant on the trip, it was not intentional. The only time it was like when I started, like stopped, like initiating conversation as frequently was after I went to your house.
Reagan: And then why was that?
Mystery Man: I mean, there is no like you said reason, but I kind of got confused, but you made a comment about me posting another video and you were like, oh, are you going to do part three? Like, we should do one of these, and I am not a TikToker and didn't really care about the whole thing. And then I kind of began questioning like if I like because [TikTok] meant nothing to me. But I think it it did it for you from my perception. The vibe that I got was that you wanted me to keep posting because it was giving you traction too. And I didn't want that to be the reason that you were hanging out with me.
Reagan: That's super interesting.
Mystery Man: I, you know, I really vividly remember you asking if I was going to make a part three or recommending an idea for a video. And I didn't want to make anymore because I didn't want that to be the reason we were hanging out. And I kind of got in my head about why we are hanging out like, is that why you kept me around? Because, like, not in a rude way. But I know you got a lot of dates, and I didn't know if the reason that I stuck or stuck it out was because I was benefiting you.
Reagan: Keep going, keep going.
Mystery Man: No, and then I kind of got a little like not annoyed, not turned off so it was just kind of like, oh, well, I don't want that to be the basis of our relationship. I'm not a content creator. And if that is it, then like, then we can just go our separate ways and then like, I would still like text, and then eventually it just… nothing ever happened again. I don't intentionally ghost, like you said, it wasn't like a conscious, “oh, I'm not going to text her again or answer her texts.”
Reagan: Right, right. So my perception, was a very similar thing, where I was like, I thought we were kidding about making a third video. So I guess that's on me for not communicating. I was kidding. Because whatever, but my perception was a very similar thing where like, I knew that you weren't you weren't a content creator and you were creating content. And I was like, OK, like, I don't really know exactly where this is going. So that's really interesting.
So far, what I had learned was that while we got along really well, anything that starts with two million TikTok views is probably not long lasting. I also learned that we simply were not communicating the same way, while I was teasing him about making a third video and becoming an influencer, he thought I was being serious. And if we’re being honest, it’s hard to joke and to tell what is a joke over text, especially when there’s not a next date in sight where any of that confusion can be cleared up. That said, at this point in the interview, I wanted to get a grasp on some of his more general thoughts about dating.
Reagan: But so to you, just because like I thought it was funny when I said the ghosting thing and you're like, I don't think that what happened. What does ghosting like exactly entail?
Mystery Man: Like, I think. Well, I think the exact… the exact definition would just be refusing to respond or completely give no response.
Reagan: Yeah, OK. Have you ever ghosted someone?
Mystery Man: I don’t think so like, I mean, there are definitely people that like… they had the last text, I guess, but it's always like the end of a conversation. It's not like someone has ever texted and said, “oh, do you want to go out on this night,” and I've just never responded because I don't think that's a cool thing to do. And some people take pride in it, and that's just not my forte.
Reagan: Do you think ghosting is ever OK?
Mystery Man: I think if you genuinely aren’t interested in someone like you just shouldn't talk to them, but I don't think it's like if you have a relationship with someone that you've met a few times, just explain like what's going on or at least like have a conversation like as opposed to just leaving them confused.
Reagan: Right.
Mystery Man: Right.
This is where I think that main character syndrome really plays out. I mean look at He’s Just Not That into You (the movie, which sucked compared to the book). In the one movie that is supposed to define our response to men who seem uninterested in us, we’re told that if we let them be a dick, let them act uninterested, they’ll eventually come around, which simply isn’t true.
Reagan: We met out one night and I was not thrilled with how that night went. And that's when I was kind of like, “I feel like you're probably not interested, like ball’s totally in your court.” I let you know that, and gave you that information. The following week you were like, “hey, I haven't heard from you all week. What's going on?”
Mystery Man: I went home, I had to get on a train the next morning. And then that was when our conversation kind of dipped like to like the low point. But then I did obviously still want to keep talking, at least at that point.
I did not think it was obvious that he wanted to keep talking, at all.
Mystery Man: I'm not a great texter anyway. But you knew that, but I did want to keep… I didn't want that to be like the end of it, and then it ended up being the end of it. But I was like, yeah, I still liked it, and I was kind of my way of probably avoiding the fact that I wasn't being very responsive either during that week and just wanted to check in and be like, “Hey, are you cool?” Because I did want to see you again and it just never ended up happening and I knew what the ball was in my court. And that's why I reached out and you said that we talked about it and then it just never ended up happening.
Reagan: So when you – in a general sense – do you like frequently do the hinge date thing or not?
Mystery Man: No, not really. I mean, not like, it's not like once a year, but no, it's not like an often thing.
Reagan: When you use Hinge, is it more for like you're looking for a like someone to like, hang out with, you know, someone to like, start seeing, just like a one night stand, or like just the validation. Because I definitely range from all three of those things.
Mystery Man: I don't think it's a one size fits all answer. I was actually having this conversation with my friend about, it. I think I try to go into everything with like, a “let's see what happens” situation, because like, I have friends who are like looking for a long term relationship. And if you're really looking for that, then you'll find flaws in anyone you find. I just kind of like, if there's someone that catches my attention, they're fun to text, they're fun to talk to, I’ll be like “oh, let’s get drinks. See what happens. See where it goes from there.”
Mystery Man: If we hit it off and things go, well, great. If not like life happens. But I don't think it's like anything like specifically seeking, like validation. It's fun to go meet someone new. I'm very social. I like talking to new people.
Reagan: So when you see a hinge profile, what is like one thing that always makes you hit like dislike?
Mystery Man: The prompts are really important to me.
Reagan: So you’re not really a photo guy.
Mystery Man: Well, I mean, anyone who says that is lying, you have to be attracted to the person, and I think that is superficial, but it's a part of human nature. That's how life works. But if it's like a one word prompt for all three of the prompts then I just know, I'm a big talker and they must not be. And even if they are, they don't give off that vibe. But that would be a bad sign.
Reagan: I know it's like not one size fits all, obviously, like you were saying, but is there something that you can see that you'll see in a profile that makes you automatically hit like?
Mystery Man: If I laugh, like if I chuckle to myself, like at the prompts, like if I like the person in pictures and then I laugh at the prompts I hit like.
Reagan: I feel like five dates in with somebody is when like you start like really kind of vibing and like things start lining up, what is like an ideal date, five or even an ideal, like, earlier date?
Mystery Man: Interesting. Well, I don't know. I don't think this is the answer that you're looking for, but I think an ideal date five would be the time where you connect enough that you don't have to pull out all the stops, like you don't like the first day. It's like, oh, you want to go to a cool place with a good vibe and stuff [on date one] like an ideal date. five could be like cooking dinner at home, hanging out like you, just like you actually enjoy each other's company and you don't need any of the gimmicks to make it like, impressive on a date.
Reagan: Yeah.
Mystery Man: What about you?
Reagan: Date five is an experience. I'm more of an experience person. I feel like if, like, I'm getting drinks with somebody every time we go on a date for like four dates in a row, like there's nothing there.
Mystery Man: I agree, boring. No, I agree, I think experiences are good, I think you have to be able to spend time with each other outside of that environment.
Mystery Man: What about date 17?
Reagan: I'm going to be honest, I don't think I've ever dated someone long enough to say, like, I have one like long term ex who - we dated for, like most of senior year. And I think by like past like six or seven, we kind of were just like, hanging out and like if we went on a date, it would be like a nice dinner date or once we went to see a basketball game.
Reagan: What is your ideal date 17?
Mystery Man: A road trip? I don’t know.
Reagan: How long?
Mystery Man: I just like, I like it. I like traveling. I was joking about it, but I only had one or two long term relationships. I know what 17 even means. Yeah.
Reagan: So you're not like keeping track.
Mystery Man: 17 is you can talk to my brother on FaceTime. He knows who you are.
Reagan: Is there anything you would like to contribute to this narrative?
Mystery Man: Not off the top of my head.
Reagan: All right, cool.
It is absolutely bizarre to me that someone I knew for not long at all is the person who made me really take stock in how casting myself as the main character was hurting me. Truly, the biggest lesson is that there’s a big difference between being the main character and casting yourself as the main character. Being the main character means keeping your most authentic approach to life and prioritizing your needs and what makes you happy. Casting yourself as the main character is when you force yourself to take on a role that wasn’t written for you for a reason. I’m not Carrie Bradshaw (and thank fuck for that), I’m not Mindy Lahiri, and I’m not Sally Albright. That’s okay.
As I’ve starting trying to be my own version of a main character in my own story, I’ve found life gets a little easier and human connection gets a little more fun.