A Dream Run-In with a Former Situationship
After reading Notes from the Bathroom line this year, Mitra Jouhari’s “Script for My Ideal Run-In with an Ex” inspired me to write my own sketch about what an ideal (but totally realistic) run-in with an ex would be.*
*for legal reasons, any resemblance to real life events is totally coincidental, this is complete fiction and if you think it’s about you maybe you should go to therapy and evaluate why.
PS: yeah, it’s really annoying that it will not let me publish this in proper sketch format, but if anyone looking for a comedy writer is reading this, I actually do know how to format scripts. I promise.
INT. A BAR IN CHICAGO (THINK HOPSMITH) - EVENING Reagan is wearing a really cute outfit that’s totally flattering and really makes her eyes pop, but not in an obvious way. She’s buzzed but not sloppy and standing at the bar with a tall, cute stranger who’s buying her a tequila soda (Casamigos, not well). CUTE STRANGER I’m so lucky I get to buy the coolest, funniest girl with the prettiest eyes here a drink. This description gets the interest of my ex, who I didn’t notice but is standing near me. Obviously, there’s only one person in Chicago he knows that would meet that description. He looks over to see me flirting with the cute stranger but in a cool, detached way. MY EX Reagan? Is that you? You look great. REAGAN Oh, yeah! Hey! It’s been such a long time I barely recognized you. The cute stranger and my ex give each other a look, both a little jealous of one another. REAGAN (to the cute stranger) Hey, give us a second. I’ll find you again in a few minutes. MY EX Wow. I didn’t think I’d run into you here. I mean, I was hoping I would but that would require a lot of luck. REAGAN Well, looks like you’ve found a little luck tonight. MY EX Is that your new boyfriend? Reagan says this next line coy as fuck. He doesn’t need to know the deal. REAGAN Maybe, we’ll see how he behaves tonight. MY EX Are you going to ask me if I have a girlfriend. REAGAN I wasn’t planning on it. I don’t really keep up with my exes. MY EX Oh, well. I’m single. It’s hard to move on after screwing up the perfect relationship. REAGAN I don’t know that we were perfect. It’s important to move on and get over it. You know, we broke up so long ago and never even really made it official. MY EX I started going to therapy like you suggested. REAGAN Oh, that’s nice. MY EX Yeah, without you telling me to do that, I would not even be a functioning member of society. Let alone here. Reagan scans the room, a little bored of the convo. Plus, her ex got a little uglier since she last saw him. Was he always that short? Was his hairline always receding. Of course, she has too much grace to say that out loud. She was always so graceful. MY EX When my hairline started receding I realized I had to pull it together, become a better person, stop letting my friends write girls who I screwed over apology letters for me to memorize. REAGAN Oh, did you do that to someone? MY EX To you! It was awful. I always hoped you’d never find out. Reagan knew. She saw the letter right after someone wrote it for him. She also knew who wrote it, it was his friend's girlfriend. REAGAN Like I said, I barely remember anything about us. It’s been so long and I’m such a well adjusted individual that I basically moved on right after it happened. MY EX Well, I have a stack of apologies I’ve written you since we parted ways that I was always to scared to send. You know, I’ve always been a little bit of a wimp. REAGAN Hey, don’t beat yourself up like that. MY EX I actually always have them with me. He pulls them out of his pocket to give her a huge stack of letters, I mean, there has to be hundreds. REAGAN You know what, I really appreciate the gesture but I don’t need to read them. I didn’t need any closure after - MY EX I was a total dick and broke things off at your sorority semi-formal in the French Quarter. REAGAN Wow, I totally forgot that was you. Yeah, after that. Reagan places the letters on the bar and pours her drink on them. REAGAN I hope you found the closure you need. Reagan walks away, as she does a dozen cute guys come up to her and ask if they can buy her a drink.